PUKE

A four act play. That actually happened in my house last night.

2:15a.m.

Mother is sleeping soundly in her bed. Father bustles in with their five and a half year old daughter, hand in hand.

Father: Murmer...murmer...murmer...(something unintelligible...)

*pauses*

Father: Mother, Daughter is awake. She came downstairs...here...

Mother (groggily): Ok, get in bed with me, Daughter.

*Daugher climbs into Mother's side of bed.*

Daughter: I need water on my stomach.

Mother: (groggily) Hmmm?

Daughter: I feel bad in my chest and I need water on my stomach.

Mother: Ok, we can get some water.

Daughter: No. I need to go potty.

Mother: Ok, go potty in the bathroom.

*Mommy Senses kick in and Mother bolts upright. Immediately locates emergency puke bucket in the dark and dumps out books. Runs to bathroom door.*

*Footsteps from inside the bathroom stop and make a U-turn.*

Daughter: Mom, I just need you to hug me!

Mother: Not yet! Here! Lean over this!

Daughter: PUUUUUUKE!!

OH NO! I'M PUKING!

Father: Go to the toilet!

Mother: No! She's doing great! It's all in the bucket! (to Daughter) Stay right here!

Daughter: This is horrible. (arm flourish over forehead) I don't like this. PUUUUKE!!

Mother: I know. But you did a great job! Dont' get your hand in it. Put your hands down. You got it all in the bucket!

Daughter: Mom?

Mother: Hmmm?

Daughter: YOU. ARE. AWESOME! I have to pee.

*Mother smiles and hands puke bucket to father with directions to wash it out and return.*

*Father mumbles something under his breath.*

Daughter: FATHER! YOU. ARE. AWESOME. TOO! (to Mother) Does puking make you have to pee?

Mother: Sometimes.

 YOU. ARE. AWESOME!



Daughter: This tastes terrible. (with arm flourish over mouth)

Mother: We'll get a little something to drink in a second. Let's finish up here.

*Daughter walks to sink to wash hands.*

Daughter: Mom, I need you to hug me right now.

*Mother goes to hug Daughter...but stops. Grabs well-timed return of bucket from Father and shoves it under Daughter's chin.)

Daughter: PUUUUUUKE!

Father: This is going to be a long night.

Mother disappears briefly to enter absence from school online and to request a substitute for tomorrow.

Father gets water for Daughter. All three settle into the bed as best they can with puke bucket close by on the nightstand.

SCENE.

*******

3:30 a.m.

Daughter: *cough cough*

*Mother bolts upright. Grabs puke bucket. Shoves it under Daughter's chin.

Daughter: My back hur....PUUUUUKE!!

Mother: You're doing great! You got it all in the bucket again! I'm so proud of you!

Daughter: (dramatically) Why do people have to throw up? This is ridiculous. I hate it. I'm so sorry to say hate but is it ok to say hate about puking?

I REALLY HATE PUKING.

 



Mother: It's ok for today. Just don't say it about anything else.

Daughter: I hate puking. This is miserable! (hands flourished out to each side)

*Father brings in wet cloth to wash off Daughter's face. Daughter sips water. Everyone lays back down.*

Daughter: Puking DOES make you have to pee. I have to pee again.

*Mother and Daughter make a trip to the bathroom, wash hands, and return to bed. Daughter crawls into the middle of the bed.*

Mother: Honey, let Mother get into the middle so you can stay on the side.

Daughter. But Mother what if I FALL OUT OF THE BED?

Mother: You've been sleeping on this side for the last hour or so. You'll be ok, I won't let you fall out. It's much better if you're close to the puke bucket.

Daughter. (holds up hand) I know...in case I puke again. (dramatically) WHY does this have to happen to me?

WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?

 



Father: Woah, that's a big one.

*Father kindly removes puke bucket for rinsing and comes back with wet wash cloth.*

Mother: It happens to everyone once in awhile.

*Mother and Daughter join Father again and attempt to go to sleep. They are briefly successful*

SCENE.

********

5:30 a.m.

Daughter: My heart is running fast!

*Mother, once again, uses her cat-like reflexes to reach across Daughter to grab puke bucket and shove it under Daughter's chin.

Daughter: PUUUUUKE!! (to Mother) Now I know the signal. When my back starts hurting and my heart is running fast, it's time to puke.

Mother: This is a breakthrough. I'm proud beyond...

Daughter: PUUUUKE!! I just don't know why this keeps happening.

*Rinse. Sip water. Wipe face. Lay back down.*

*Mother sneaks away to write lesson plans and email them to school. Returns thirty minutes later to a sleeping Father and Daughter.*

SCENE.

*******

Light creeps into the bedroom and Mother never really goes back to sleep. Son enters around 7:00 a. m., wondering why Daughter was not upstairs in her bed.

Daughter: Do NOT touch me! (arms out) I still like you but I PUKED!

Son: Oh. Ok.

Daughter: When you get to school, be sure to tell my teacher that I puked. And try to tell ALL of my friends. (double hand flourish) Also, you can tell all of your friends, too. (additional double hand flourish) Tell them I puked THREE TIMES. Ok?

Son: Ok. What's for breakfast?

Mother: Not sure yet. We'll all be eating light today....

FIN.

 

 

or....TO BE CONTINUED?